Just love me

People change.  And that’s okay.  People grow up, they change their thoughts, beliefs, the way they see the world.  But that’s okay, too. 

 Don’t judge me for change.  Don’t judge me for being different from you.  Don’t condemn me because my life is not perfect, I am not perfect.  Just love me. 

Love me when I’m pissed at the world.  Love me when I’m sitting on top of it.  Love me when I’m speaking the Gospel, telling my story, sharing my Jesus.  Love me when my human side gets the best of me and I’m cussing like a sailor.  Love me when I cry and laugh and say inappropriate things and talk about my dreams. 

Don’t judge me because we are not the same.  Don’t brush off my dreams because they are not like yours.

 Just love me.  Love me when I change my mind six times in twenty minutes.  Love me when I stand so firm on a subject that I will argue for hours.  Love me when I long for something deeper.  Love me when I’m content with the small things.

If I feel this way, so must other people.  I don’t always do this.  I want this but sometimes I can’t give this to other people.  Lord, help me to be this to other people.  Help me to love them when I disagree, help me to love them when they act in a way that I don’t agree with.  Help me to love them this way. Because ONLY through this kind of love can we truly show Jesus to the broken, the wounded, the sinner in all of us.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Because people hurt. And we go on.

You open your heart and life to a group of people.  You fall in love with their families, with their ministry, with the way they intertwine in your life.  You serve alongside these people until they become an extension of yourself and your family. 

Then, something happens.  Something you couldn’t have foreseen. 

That heart that you laid wide open for them… they crush it.  They tear it apart with their assumptions, their hypocrisy, their judgmental decision-making.  They hurt your family.  They leave you wondering how you’re going to explain the situation to your child.  They leave you and your husband confused and angry.  Not all of the people, though.  Most of them are only players in a game that they don’t control. 

But what’s worse is when the instigator(s) are people you loved, served alongside, backed up, and believed in. 

They trick you with their lying tongues and deceitful lips.  And once that connection is broken and the truth exposed, you have no choice but to walk away, to distance yourself from something you cannot support. 

You move on.  You pray for forgiveness – that you would learn how to give it to them, for any part that you may have played. 

You continue.  You keeping looking for the sense of community that you lost.  You tell everyone you’re over it.

But you’re not.  I’m not.  Over a year later and I’m not. 

How do you?  How do you learn to forgive them?  How do you spread grace to them?  How do you stop yourself from bubbling up with hatred and anger when they are mentioned?  Most of all, how do you heal?  When you look past the anger and sarcasm and see the gaping wound they left… how do you mend something like that? 

I can’t.  I know I can’t.  Not on my own.  Not without the healing hand of a God who sees my pain and catches my tears in the palm of His hand. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting there.  Usually.  I feel His healing power.  Then sometimes, the hole gapes open again – creating a vortex of emotions – normally when I’m standing in the pew of a church with goodhearted people that I barely know, but want to.  Or on a Sunday morning when I am arguing with myself about going to church – feeling the pull to go, but feeling an equal pull to just throw the towel in.  If that’s how it’s going to end, why try?   

How do you teach yourself to open up to people again? 

I know His plan is better than I could have ever imagined.  I know this deep in my heart.  I praise Him that He saw fit to remove us from the situation before more damage could be done, or before we fell victim to the lies.  I thank Him for where He has brought us to and the healing He has begun. 

How do you move on?  Get over it?  Learn to open up again?

I don’t know.  My family and I will find our place again.  I feel sure of it.  But sometimes the journey gets hard and I wonder where He’ll lead us.  But we will go on.  Take it one day, one prayer, one breath at a time.  And be thankful.  Always.  Be thankful. 

 

Until next time,

Keep Reflecting

When she's whispering in your ear...

She’s standing there, whispering in your ear, murmuring your name.

She follows you around and steals into your quiet places.

She knows you better than you know yourself, knows your deep dark secrets, your intimate desires. 

She’s that girl in your mind, whispering negativity and doubt and fear and doom. 

She is the glass half-empty. 

She is a the devil’s advocate – quite literally. 

And even if you ignore her, even if you think she isn’t, she is there.

I feel her today.  She’s getting antsy that I’ve been able to push her into the corner for some time now.  She thrives on attention and the more you give her, the more prominent she becomes, the more power she gains. 

A little part of me hates her – because I don’t know how to fight her on my own, to banish her for good.

Another part of me feels sorry for her – because in her mind, everything is doom and gloom and death and hatred.  That’s no way to live. 

Another part of me is unsure of her – because she is part of me.  She is my own mind used against me, turned against the glory of God.

And when I feel her, whispering, murmuring, it scares the hell out of me.  She has this deep, morbid imagination that sneaks in and rips the knowledge of my blessings out of my mind.  She fosters worry and condemnation and anger.  She fans my flickers until they turn in to full-blown flames.  But she is part of me.

But she is not truly me.  She is a distorted version of me.  And if I turn around and face her, instead of listening to her whispers, I will see the depths of what she is and realize that this version is NOT who God designed me to be. 

He created me to love light and beauty and to find each in every day.

To bask in the people around me.  To simply live.

I read somewhere “Worry won’t stop bad things from happening, it will just stop you from enjoying the good things.”

I cannot control anything.  That girl in my head zeroes in on that fact, repeating it over and over and over again.  I know I am not in control, but I have a God that is.  I can rest in the comfort that God is in control and He is SO much better at it than I am.  I was not created to control this life – but to live it, to love it. 

So, today, I will focus on my blessings.  I will be thankful and live.  I will turn to that girl, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that she is wrong, that she will always be wrong.  And I will show her the light because in the light, darkness cannot dwell.    

 

Until next time, 

Keep Reflecting :)