Always Find Your Way Back Home

"You can change your hair, you can change your clothes.  You can change your mind, that's just the way it goes.  You can say goodbye or you can say hello, but you'll always find your way back home." 

First of all, don't judge me that I've just quoted a Hannah Montana song - I do have an 8-year-old. 

This song is crazy stuck in my head right now.  You can always find your way back home... but how?  The song doesn't tell you how. 

How do you find your way back when you've turned your back?  How do you find your way back when you've wavered?  How do you find your way back to hope and belief and full-fledged, living-it-out faith?

I do not doubt my God, let me be perfectly clear about that.  However, I have wavered.  I have fallen.  I have turned away.

Our hearts were broken by people that claimed to be of God and, to be quite honest, I've still not recovered from that.  Granted, I don't seethe with hatred any more when their names are mentioned, but I am far from okay.  While this may be the case, I am using it to justify my actions.  I know I am.  I also know I shouldn't be.  Yes, I was heartbroken.  However, to use that as an excuse to continue on the road I'm on is pathetic.  I know it.

I said the F word at a family function last weekend.  Please note that there were no children around when I said it and I only said it loud enough for the people standing next to me to hear.  However, that's not the first time in the past month that I've said it.  Don't mistake me - I don't see anything wrong with cussing every now and then.  Sometimes the situation calls for a word that can only form as a curse.  But for those of you who know me, you know that's not me.  Though lately, I find myself doing it more and more.  I don't want to be that person.

It's been weeks, alright a month, since I've stepped foot inside a church building.  Many reasons have attributed to that, but I think one main reason remains.  I know I need conviction.  I know I need other people.  I know I need the body of Christ.  And I've been throwing up this smoke screen, saying that we've been hurt before and we're afraid to be hurt again.

While that statement is true, that should not be a good enough reason to get me away.

I need full-fledged, living and breathing, moving grace.  I need that in my life.  I need the daily presence.  Oh, how I need it!

So, how do you find your way back to Jesus shining through your life?  How do you find your way back to breathing and living faith? 

How do you find your way back home?

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 7

Things I've learned recently:

1. When you screw up (and you will), sometimes it's just best to say "Yes, I understand and I will try not to do it again."  Don't argue.  Don't defend yourself.  Just move on from it and learn from it. 
2. Don't be a bitch to the secretary/receptionist.  Even if you were told to come in and ask for a specific person, do not be rude to the secretary.  If your specific person is not available, chances are that the secretary/receptionist knows how to help you.  However, assuming that she can't help you simply because she isn't the one in charge is stupid and asinine.  This is especially true for a small company.  Generally, in those cases, the secretary knows more than you give them credit for.  I mean, why would you ever think that the person who answers ALL phones calls, screens ALL messages, and handles ALL files at some point could help you?  My bad.  I must be stupid. 
3. Sometimes parenthood smacks you upside the head with a sledgehammer.  And as you're stumbling there, blinking back the stars, you have to find some way to answer to the small life that you're in charge of.  Sometimes with your head spinning and heart pounding, you have to make a decision and think quickly on your feet.  All you can do is pray through the pauses, open up your arms and let God take over. 
4. Walking down the hallway, when my hair is straightened and flutters out a little with the wind, makes me feel like a super model.  Don't judge me.
5. You never know where God is going to lead you.  Be open to the possibilities.  I still am not sure the plan that He has for this season in our lives, but somehow I feel like He may be bringing us full circle.  It was a long and winding and sometimes discouraging and sometimes horrifying and sometimes incredible road, but perhaps, just perhaps, He brought us through it all to show us how to serve.  I'm excited to see what the next step in this journey is for us.  He has never failed us before and I know He never will.  Whatever the future holds, I know His love is always full.
6. My husband is the best for many reasons - but this is one of them.  During family night, as we chose a movie out of the apple (a hollow glass apple that we each put two movie choices in and then draw out of) we drew my favorite movie of ALL time... Lilo & Stitch.  If you don't like this movie, you can remove me from your friends list because I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.  Anyways, Brynlea declares that she hates that movie and she is going to her room instead of watching it.  Fair enough.  The apple had spoken.  Do you know what my amazing husband did?  He sat there and watched it with me anyways.  Score!  The amount of happiness that I derive from that movie borderlines on pathetic...  I kid you not.
7. I'm learning to sew.  My first wear-able attempt is a skirt that I made from a dress that didn't fit any more.  I won't show you the waistband because it looks absolutely horrid.  However, when you pull a shirt down over it, no one is any wiser... Double score! 
8. I've created for myself a fictional pioneer family - Grandmama Betsy, Farmer Bill and their daughter, Luanne.  I must say that while Grandmama Betsy is ashamed at how much I check my Facebook and rely on my cell phone, she is pretty darn proud that I learned how to hem a pair of pants.  She is also proud that I made cookies basically from scratch last week and had the patience to let Brynlea help.  Yay me!

Well, that's about it for this one.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Heading to a Healthier Me

When the doctor can't tell you why you feel so tired all the time, you start to wonder what's wrong with you.  I've dreamed up all sorts of possibilities - diabetes, hormone imbalance, mono, vitamin deficiencies, etc.  Then, when she asks you if you've gained any significant weight in the past 5 years, you think "Eh, some, but not much."  I felt pretty certain about that.  That was until she pulled my charts from 3 years ago...

Talk about discouraging. 

I could make excuses all day as to why and how I've gained 21 pounds in 3 years - but that's all they are.  Excuses as to why I'm not taking care of the only body I've been given.   

"I got married."  Bullshit - should that not be more of a reason to stay fit and healthy?  For my husband. 

"I started a desk job."  Too bad.  Yet another excuse. 

"I'm a busy mom.  Who has the time to work out?"  Once again, that is a perfectly good reason to be even healthier - to show my daughter that it isn't about being skinny or the number on the scale, but it's about being healthy.

I could go on, but I think you get the point.  This is my journey and I'm going to be completely transparent about it because maybe someone out there struggles with it like I do.  I'm going to post motivation and struggles and yummy, healthy recipes. 

I have a goal of how much weight I want to lose, but honestly, I just want to feel better.  I want to not be exhausted at 8:00 p.m. (unless it has just been a hellacious day).  I want less headaches.  I want to be a more powerful, confidant, healthier me.  I want to be an example to my family.  I want to know I can do it because I put my mind to it.

I refuse to diet.  I refuse to starve myself.

This journey is about making a lifestyle change.  Becoming more aware of what I put into my body.  Learning to enjoy what my body can do.  

It's all about baby steps and taking it one day at a time.  

One day.  Today.

And then tomorrow.

Then the next day.

But today first.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :) 

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 6

Things I've learned recently (or more accurately, things I just want to tell you about):

1. People are crazy nosey.  I just wanted to share that with you.  Don't misread this because I am just as guilty as the next person about putting my nose where it doesn't belong.  However, I think asking someone when they are going to have children is a COMPLETELY inappropriate question and if you're not part of the team producing said child, you need to keep your nose in your own business.  Granted, I have asked my friend once if she was pregnant but that was because I had reason to think she might be.  However, asking someone WHEN they're going to have a baby is completely unacceptable.  Yes, this goes for well-meaning parents and concerned family members.  My fertility and reproduction is none - I repeat NONE - of your business.  Now, when I announce to you that I am pregnant (which I'm not), then it becomes your business.  But until that moment, it is not.  Also, I would like to add to those well-meaning family members this little tidbit:  If you are asked when I am having a child, please shrug your shoulders and just say you're not sure.  It's not your place to tell them how long I plan to wait, or if I plan to wait, or if I plan to have children at all.  Let me repeat one more time in case anyone misunderstood me - my reproduction is NO ONE'S business but mine and my sweet husband's.  If you do not fall into one of those two categories, mind your own business.  Since I want people to mind their own business, I will no longer be talking about this subject to anyone but my husband.  I'm not going to talk about if, when, or how I would like to have children.  That way, people have nothing to go on when they want to question my reproduction, or lack thereof.  Thank you and have a nice day. 
2. A wedding is one day out of a lifetime spent with one person.  A beautiful, perfect wedding does not make a marriage - two imperfect people who have God, determination, and a beautiful love for each other do, though.  Neither myself nor my husband are perfect.  We don't always agree on everything.  We have arguments, naturally.  But beneath anything the world can throw at us, we have each other.  We have God and a crazy determination to make this work.  He is my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate.  He is the man I can't imagine spending one day without.  We are not perfect, but perfection doesn't make a marriage.  Hard work, true love and crazy determination do.
3. Be thankful.  That is all.  Just be thankful.
4. I have this theory that movie/book endings should either be completely tragic or completely beautiful (which can be either a happy ending or a poetic one).  I recently saw a movie (I won't name names *cough cough* Oblivion) that was a really decent movie.  I enjoyed the characters, the plot, the special effects.  However, the ending was mediocre.  At first, you thought it was going to be a magically tragic ending - and I was so excited because it was a beautiful tragedy.  Then, they somehow decided to try to save it and make it a happy ending.  The result?  A mediocre ending - not even poetic.  While, yes, it was technically a happy ending - it wasn't really.  It was a second-best happy ending.  It would have been so much better just sticking with the tragic ending. 
5. Be nice to people who do you a service - janitors, cleaners, construction crews, waiters/waitresses, etc.  Go out of your way to do something nice for them because they are doing you a service.  We're having some renovation work done at our new office and my boss called the restaurant where they were having lunch and picked up the tab for them.  My hubby and I cleaned the carpet a little while ago and the people gave us a $20 tip.  The old man told us to "use it for dinner since we were there so late."  You can be a blessing to someone.  Offer them a drink.  Take them a snack.  Give them a extra tip.  Smile and say thank you. 
6. I watched the video of the SUV driver-motorcycle incident.  I've read the articles.  All I can say about the situation is much worse would have happened had it been my family in the vehicle.  Because overall, if it comes down to hurting someone else in order to protect my family, I won't think twice about it.  I applaud the man in the SUV for doing what he had to do to keep his family safe.  If you don't like my opinion, don't read my blog.  
7. There comes a time when you stop and finally say enough.  For me, that time is now.  I'm not going to elaborate further at this point.  Just know, that when something starts affecting your life and your family, it's time to do something about it.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :) 

Sweeter than Chocolate Reese's Birthday Cake

You know what's sweeter than the Reese's filled chocolate birthday cake my husband and I made yesterday? 

Friends to share it with.  We had fabulous family over today for Bryn's birthday, but the biggest blessing to me today was not blood, but she may as well be.

I have many friends, of which I am incredibly thankful for.  But today, I'm going to share just one of them :)

She braves family functions for me willingly and without hesitation - and let me tell you, they can get crazy.

She makes herself at home in my kitchen, my home.

She plays Legos with my kid for hours - literally, like 3 hours this evening - and doesn't snap at her for not listening to instruction about putting them together.

She is unfazed by my husband and his sarcastic comments. 

She is completely accepted my husband, my daughter, and my entire family.

She bounds down the driveway to meet my dad, whom she hasn't seen in years - not holding anything against him.  Because she knows he is my dad and I love him.

She sits on my counters and tells me the truth.  Undoubtedly.  With no regrets.

She teaches me physical therapy moves to help my husband's sciatic nerve problems and gives me tips to get my family healthier. 

She knows I love her no matter what. 

We can handle each other cussing, and praising, and whining, and rejoicing.  Nothing I do surprises her.

We laugh together.  We gripe together.  We can go a long time without each other, only to pick up right back where we left off.  When she left this evening, we knew it would be a while before we saw each other again.  But we will always pick back up right where we left off.

I'm so thankful for a friendship like that.  I'm so thankful for everything she is to me and to my family.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

And be thankful.

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 5

Things I've learned lately (since I believe it's been more than a week since my last volume):

• Some weeks you just run on "E" all week.  Sometimes there is no amount of sleep or chocolate or caffeine that can prevent it.  Some weeks, every morning when you wake up you dream of going back to sleep.  This past weeks has been one of those weeks.  But you know what you do when you have to be an adult?  You pull yourself up by your bootstraps (high heel straps in this case) and carry on.  It helps if you find someone who is having an equally "E" week and then you can commiserate with them. 
• Sometimes on those weeks that you run on "E," you are incredibly busy.  There are always things to do, places to go, lists to finish.  This week was one of those weeks.  Between my regular job, our side job, and my mama getting sick, it was a rough week.  But we are so incredibly blessed.  I try to remember that when things get crazy.  At least I have a regular job.  At least our side job is going well.  At least I have a mama to worry over when she gets sick.
• I have gone on a Facebook hiatus - officially deactivated.  I've tried this several times before - simply taking a break and not getting on there for a week or so at a time.  I LOVE Facebook.  Recently, however, I have realized that I am addicted to Facebook.  I can't just check it once and be done for the day.  I have to continually check it on and off all day.  It was beginning to interfere with my work.... so I deactivated for the time being.  It may sound silly, but this has been pretty hard for me.  I feel so out of the loop because I can't keep up with all my friends and family.  How sad is that?  A sweet lady pointed out to me that when I log out, my true friends and family will still keep me up to date.  I will still talk to them and stay connected - perhaps even *gasp* face to face!  Taking this hiatus is just showing me how many "friends" I have that are superfluous, that just connect on Facebook.  It's made me a little sad actually. 
• Which brings me to my next point - friends.  Be thankful for your friends.  Any type of friend actually.  I have different types of friends.  Maybe I'm weird, but I'm pretty sure if you thought about it, you have them, too.  I have "best" friends - those are the ones who are there for me no matter what, who care about what's going on in my life and actively make themselves a part of it.  These are the friends that walk into my house and make themselves right at home in my kitchen and in my life.  I have "old" friends - these are the friends that I'm not in contact with much.  Our lives have gone separate ways, but that history that we share still connects us.  These are the friends that have been big parts of my life at certain times in my life, even if we aren't close anymore.  They will never lose their spots in my heart.  I have "lost" friends - these are the friends whom I once considered "best," but now our lives have taken us down different paths.  The only difference in "old" friends and "lost" friends is that the "lost" friends no longer want to be a part of my life - or I no longer want to be a part of theirs.  This makes me sad, but sometimes we change and grow apart.  It happens.  Then, I have "found" friends - those who were once "lost" and we have somehow found our ways back to each other.  These friends are a special kind of miracle.  I think it's in these kinds of friends that I see the truest, toughest strain of friendship - because we lost each other and chose to lose each other, but somehow, we still came back.  There are some friendships that can stand the test of any trial and any amount of time.  I am so thankful for those.  But I am also thankful for brief, fleeting friendships - because those are beautiful, too. 
• Family vacations are hard work - and expensive.  But so worth it.  We just got back from Gatlinburg last week, where we went for Bryn's birthday trip.  Whew... getting up there was so much work.  Between the packing and the lists and the driving, I was just so glad when we finally got there.  The trip itself had it's moments - when one of us wasn't feeling good, or needed something, or got hungry.  But overall, it was a fabulous experience and we got to spend some time with just us.  No school, no work, no laundry.  Just us. 
• I have crossed a threshold into mom-hood that I was completely NOT ready for.  Today, I started going through my closet.  I was pulling out shirts that I haven't worn since I was in high school and should probably never wear again... since I am no longer in high school.  Don't lie - you have those shirts, too and they stay in the back of your closet because like me, you don't want to admit that you're too old to wear them now.  Well, as I was pulling them out, I realized that most of them would fit Brynlea and she would probably love them.  Do you realize what this means?  I am old.  I am officially getting rid of clothes because they are too "teenager-ish" or childish and giving them TO MY DAUGHTER because they will fit her and she will love them.  I want to pause to say that only the mothers of girls will understand this travesty.  Only you who have been there will understand why this has made me so distraught.  My husband doesn't get it - and I understand why.  To those mothers with daughters old enough to steal your clothes (or for you to give willingly), my heart goes out to you.  To those of you with daughters almost old enough for this, just wait.... it seems okay now, but just wait until you're there.  Not so fun anymore, huh?!  I type this as my husband hands me a pack of Reese's cups.  Bless him.  The man may not understand the why, but he knows when chocolate is needed.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Here's to my step-mamas!

Raising a child in two homes is hard.  Harder than I ever imagined possible.  I haven't really learned this recently, but I wanted to give a shout-out of support to my other step-mamas out there. 

Because, as if being a mom wasn't hard enough, you have to share in your mom-hood. 

 You have to share decision-making.  You have to share your child's time.  You have to share your baby with someone else.  And it doesn't matter that you didn't give birth to that baby. All that matters is that they are yours now - whether their Bio-Mom wants to admit it or not.  You are now a mother.  You are now responsible for a little life - no matter how big your role in that life is. 

Maybe you have the freedoms of their mother because she chose to walk away.  Maybe you share that baby 50/50 and have a hard time accepting that you are not in control.  Maybe you only have that baby every other weekend and are trying to make a place in their life for yourself. 

Here's to my step-mamas tonight! 

Here's to learning and loving and falling and failing and getting back up to fight another day for that little one (or big one). 

Here's to the ranting and raving, the crying and frustration, the joy of being needed when you didn't think you were. 

Step-mamas, here's to you. 

Here's to not knowing the right thing to say and just plunging in with grace and love and prayer and hoping that God makes sense of the things coming out of your mouth. 

Here's to your mama-bear spirit that rises up when you least expect it.  Sometimes she'll scare the crap out of you. 

Here's to believing that you are right where God wants you and that's being a part of this child's life. 

Here's to you living with difficult "other" family members and aggravating arrangements. 

Here's to you keeping your mouth shut for the sake of your baby, but giving someone hell in your head. 

Here's for the moments that you hang your head in disappointment at yourself because when it comes down to it, you really don't know what you're doing. 

Here's to the love that covers the whole not-knowing-what-you're-doing thing.  Here's to a love that defies nature and blood and birth. 

Here's to a love that pulls you through those tough times and reminds you that this is still your child. 

Here's to never giving up, never letting go. 

Here's to hoping that one day, that child won't remember the times you yelled or the time you slipped and said something ugly about their mom - all that baby will be able to remember is how much their step-mama loved them.     

I am so far from having all the answers about being a stepmom.  But I am learning.  One day at time, moment-by-moment, one foot in front of the other. 

But if you're a step-mama and you're feeling a bit discouraged tonight (even if you're not and you feel great in your step-mama abilities), just take a breath, let it out and remember how much you love that child. 

When Lazarus died, Martha cried to Jesus, saying that if he had been there, her brother would not have died.  In John 11:40, Jesus responded to her and said, "Did I not say that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?"

Keep believing, sweet mama.  Keep believing and trusting and you will see His glory.  Even if it takes some time.  His glory will always astound you.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Why can't we be real?

I came across this written in my writing journal (where I write the things that I can't share with the entire world) and I thought that this might be share worthy, because maybe I'm not the only mom who feels this way.

Why can't we be real?

           

 

            No one truly prepares you for parenting.  Honestly, people can give you all the “words of wisdom” that they can think of but nothing truly prepares you for the role of being a parent, of taking care of another person, of influencing the way another person grows up. 

            Everything is all baby showers and rattles and maternity pictures and “a mother’s love.”  Granted, I skipped all that when I became a Bonus Mom to a 3 year old (at the time).  In our small town, the mothering that you see is all matching outfits, precious pictures, playdates, and gushing over the angelic-ness of  children.  I understand all of these factors.  I validate them because they are part of life.  But no one freaking prepares you for the rest…

            I’m going to start with 7 years old since that’s where I’m at now.  No one prepares you for attitudes and smart-assery.  No one prepares you for being such a huge role in the life of a little person that depends on you so completely.  No one prepares you for “Don’t get out of bed unless you have to potty” and “Excuse me, young lady, what did you say?” and “Do you want to rephrase that?”  No one tells you that you are in essence going to become your mother when you respond with “Because I said so.”  You said you’d never say that… but when they’re asking sixteen million questions and you just can’t handle another one, that’s what you say.

            Why can’t mothers just be real with each other?  I need someone to walk up beside me and say, “Yeah, you know, mine drive me batshit crazy, too.”  I need to see someone who is just making the rules up as they go, who does not have it all together and is just trying to weave it together with not enough patience, constant prayer, a little grace, and heavy amounts of chocolate.  I need to find another mom like that.  Someone who doesn’t beat around the bush, someone who isn’t supermom and doesn’t pretend to be, someone who just gets by with grace and prayer and an insane amount of love for this little person who drives her insanely crazy 98.9% of the time.

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 4

Things I've learned in the past few weeks (since I didn't do one of these last week):

• There are quite a few parents that I would like to stop, take them by the hand, look them squarely in the eyes and say (in the word of Pitch Perfect), "Get your head out of your ass, it's not a hat."  I'm not naming names or anything.  We'll just leave it at that for now.  But honestly, do you ever look at some of the parents and think, "Really?  You thought that would be the best course of action for your child?  Are you stupid or just really into wearing your ass as a hat?"  Was that rude?  Yeah, probably.  Was it true?  Most definitely.
• I CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS BUT I CAN CONTROL HOW I REACT TO THOSE ACTIONS.  
• I CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS BUT I CAN CONTROL HOW I REACT TO THOSE ACTIONS. 
• I CANNOT CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS BUT I CAN CONTROL HOW I REACT TO THOSE ACTIONS. 
• Did I mention the whole I-cannot-control-others thing?  If not, I can reiterate it again, but I think you get the point from reading the past 3 bullets.  There is no way that I can control the way other people act.  I can lecture, I can rant, but nothing I do is going to change what they choose to do.  HOWEVER, I can choose how I act and how I react.  I can choose the way I respond.  I cannot control them, but perhaps controlling myself is enough.
• To the woman who once made the offhanded comment that "No woman really wants to take care of a man's child by another woman" - I'd like to say a lot of things to you.  None of which are particularly pleasant.  One - the fact that you said a comment like that in my presence is ridiculous, especially since you KNOW that I have a stepdaughter that I love more than I could have ever imagined and that I treat as I would my own.  Second - the fact that you said that and you have a stepdaughter astounds me.  Granted, your stepdaughter was already grown and almost married by the time you came into the picture.  But really, what does that comment say to her?  She better be glad she wasn't younger when you came along, because "no woman wants to raise a man's child by another woman."  Yeah, I think that is exactly what that says to her.  Quite frankly, you are a woman that I care about dearly and this doesn't change how I feel about you, but you can kiss my ass.
• I love the tradition and festivity that is the Lincoln County Fair - but I am intensely glad that for the past several years, my hubby and I have opted out of that festivity.  It was fun when we were teenagers to go walk around and check out the guys and see who was at the fair with who.  It was a big deal.  I know I'm growing up because now it's just too many people in too small of a place with rides that are put up too fast to be completely safe and too many germs EVERYWHERE.  The best part is the funnel cake - and I found a recipe on Pinterest to make it at home (where I know who's with who and who's germs I'm getting and I don't have to look presentable). 
• To all of you fathers out there - never get too busy for your daughters.  Even if it's just a text to say "I love you" or dropping by the house for a hug.  They may not say it and you may think they're all grown up, but they will always be your little girl.  And they need you to always think that they hung the moon.  They need to know that they will always be your Princess, even after they've become someone else's Queen.  Make it a point to make yourselves part of their lives because honestly, they probably still have no idea what they're doing. 
• Vacationing as a family is much more difficult than vacationing with your husband only.  This week we're going to go away for 3 nights and I already have two lists made of everything we need.  And that's just for groceries and the stuff that the kiddo needs to pack.  This does not include the lists for me and the hubby.  I just keep reminding myself that all this prep will pay off and we'll get a nice, relaxing vacation...
• There is something sadly satisfying about playing Sims FreePlay on my Kindle because you can build an entire town and then destroy it and start all over.  Hmph, maybe my control freak nature is not entirely quenched. 

Until next time when I impart my vast wisdom (HAHAH),
Keep Reflecting :)

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 3

Things I've learned this week:

• Not going to the doctor when you clearly need to is not being some kind of tough guy.  It's being stupid.  If something is interfering with your life and daily interactions, you need to get it checked out.  You're not being brave by not going.  You're only hurting yourself and the people you love. 
• I firmly believe that the best laundry soap is HOMEMADE LAUNDRY SOAP :) Here is my recipe (found on Pinterest and has been tried and tested):

 

Here's what you will need:

 

1 four-pound box of Borax

1 three-pound box of Super Washing Soda

1 three-pound container of Oxyclean

2 bars of Zote or Fels Naptha soap

1 four-pound box of Baking Soda

1 or 2 bottles of Purex Fabric Softener Crystals (for fragrance)

 

Some people grate their soap and I have done this.  It's hard and a pain in the butt.  My husband recently discovered something wonderful though - if you put the bar in the microwave for 2 minutes, it will puff up.  Then cut it into chunks and stick it in a food processor (electric or hand).  It makes it finer and it's SO MUCH easier.  I mean, really.  I cannot describe how much easier it is.  Then mix all your ingredients in a big bucket.  I like to layer them so that mixing it is easier.  This stuff works great, smells fabulous and lasts longer than the other stuff I buy at the store.

 

• Sometimes you just need a best friend who will sit with you while you're sick and help you diagnose yourself.  You know she's your best friend when she comes in, hugs you, checks on you, and then makes herself at home in your kitchen.  She also doesn't laugh too hard at you when you put a sock full of rice on your forehead.  NOTE: A sock full of rice that's been heated in the microwave for 45 seconds is WONDERFUL for a headache. 
• Jim Gaffigan cracks me up.  Not only is his comedy clean and somewhat awkward, but it's freaking HILARIOUS.  If you don't know him, look him up.  You need that kind of funny in your life.  You do, true story.
• Telling your child that she has to use her own money to buy a $16 school tee-shirt does not make you a horrible parent.  I mean, really... $16 for a freakin' shirt that she is going to grow out of in 6 months.  Yeah, I told her if she really, really wanted one she could use money out of her jar for it.  Don't judge me.
• I love doing this post.  It may annoy you or seem like mindless drivel, but I love it.  This allows me somewhere to collect all my random thoughts throughout the week.  Sometimes I don't have anything deep and theological to say, but this is life.  This is learning and living and loving.
• Sometimes the Tooth Fairy falls on hard times (or just being unprepared) and it's okay for the Tooth Fairy to dig out $4.25 in nickels, dimes and quarters from every spare corner of the house.  Pssh, when I was a kid, I got a $0.50 - maybe $1.00.  Kids these days know how to work it, right?
• Just because a baby smiles at you - and cuddles against your shoulder - DOES NOT mean you should have one.  Get it together, hormones.  Haven't we had this discussion before?
• Kids are mean.  And they say hateful things.  But when those kids say hateful things to your kid, it's okay to want to punch them in the throat.  Probably not okay for me to tell my daughter to punch them if they say anything about it again, but hopefully she'll forget that I said that in light of all the other motherly things I said.  I also probably should not have told her that we don't say those kind of things because we don't want to be as low as the people who said it.  How's that for some kick-ass parenting?  Well, what can I say?  When you're looking at a little girl who is absolutely perfectly yours and she says that someone called her heavy, you pull whatever you've got out of your hat to make it better - even though deep down you want to hunt down that kid's parents and tell them that he is a rude punk.  But that feeling you get when her eyes light up after you tell her that the other kid is just jealous because she is more awesome than he could ever hope to be is pretty awesome.  Oh yeah, I stooped to that level.  And dammit, I would do it again in a heartbeat 'cause some kids are assholes.  And before you go judging me - I didn't tell my almost 8 year old that.  I kept that little bit of information to myself.  For now.
• Sometimes I just don't feel like going to church.  Sometimes I feel like sitting at home and enjoying the company of the people around me than getting up and dressed and sitting in a chair listening to a preacher.  Say what you will.  This is truth.  I'm not faking it.  I'm not putting on a good face for the show.  Sometimes I just want to stay home - without a bra or brushing my teeth or putting on underwear. 

Until next week,
Keep Reflecting :)


 

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 2

Things I've learned this week:

1. Be careful who you tease.  If you don't know that person and it's in a professional setting, particularly a stressful one, don't tease.  It will possibly get you punched in the face.  Note: I did not punch this person in the face.  However, in a moment that I'm quite certain would not make Jesus proud, I did perhaps wish that he would forget to roll up his car windows in a torrential downpour.  Don't judge me - he was an ass. 
2. I have an addictive personality.  I'm not saying this as an excuse, simply as an observation that I have discovered this week.  That's why I can read the same book 10 gazillion times and watch the same movies over and over.  Or why something sweet cannot be in the house or why I can eat pumpkin pie for every meal until it's gone.  This is also why I can be overtaken by things that don't matter - because I focus on them incessantly.  I'm working on it. 
3. Take time for your "extended" family - meaning not just the ones who live in your house.  It can turn into such a blessing, even if you're just sharing a meal and some good conversation. 
4. It's completely normal to get frustrated, aggravated, even pissed.  Just remember not to take it out on the people you love and the people who love you.  Because once your blood pressure comes back down, they are going to be the ones to laugh about it with you. 
5. Don't take for granted the people you work for.  Someone that you spend 8 hours a day with - especially if there are only a couple of you (rather than a big company) - are bound to become your family.  This is a shout-out to my work family :) I am so blessed to work for a tight-knit company.
6. I like coffee - and by coffee, I mean the drowned, sugary, cappuccino version.  Mmmm... chocolate caramel pecan cappuccino is a great way to start the morning.  I am going to conveniently forget how many calories it has, though.  Don't judge me.

Until next week,
Keep Reflecting :)

Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Vol. 1

I've decided that I need a title that will stick with my posts that are actually more like random thoughts than full, cohesive posts. 

Thus begins the Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom.  It may sound silly, but it really describes me perfectly.  This is a journey - and I'm realizing that the end product is not today.  It is not tomorrow.  I may never even see it.  It is a journey.  Also, it connects because when I got married I was a woman-child (still am, most days).  If you understand where I am coming from on that one, fabulous.  If you don't, then I can't explain it.  You have to have lived that woman-child feeling to know what I mean. 

Anyways, back to random post - Journeys of a Woman-Child Stepmom: Volume 1

Things I've learned this week:

1. The first week of school was created to test the patience and endurance of moms, dads and teachers alike, I am convinced.  Oh my goodness.  The clothes, the supplies, the schedules, the lists and forms.  If you can make it through the first week of school with all of your hair still attached to your head, congratulations.  That is most definitely a major accomplishment.  I applaud you.  I applaud myself - since I still have most of my hair and it is now going into the second week of school!
2. Eyebrows do grow back - fairly quickly, actually.  If one's child was to shave said eyebrows almost completely off (or enough off to make her look constantly surprised), a mother need only to wait approximately a month and a half for said eyebrows to make a full reappearance and said child to look normal again.  Note to self: It's a good thing our razors stay safely in our bathroom (as she showers in her own).  I think her mother has learned to hide her razors now. 
3. When you turn your back on the public library for "better" things, such as a Kindle and e-books, said mystical, magical library will wait patiently for you.  It will stay still and silent, waiting for you to delve back into the depths and rows of FREE books.  And once you step foot back in there, you will most likely be transported to a place that you remember - hours wandering through row upon row of books with every imaginable topic and cover, the silence of the library just beckoning you to pick up a book and see where you end up, piling them up in your arms until you can't carry anymore to the front desk, hours upon hours of a thick book in your hands, breathing in the musty smell of worn paper, eyes pouring over each page and worn out crease.  Ah... thanks for waiting for me. 
4. The best recipes come from scratch - or at least a version of scratch.  I made cheesy garlic drop biscuits today.  I've made them twice before but both times were failures.  Today, I added the main ingredients and then didn't take another look at the recipe... Absolutely delicious!  My husband sang my praise, my child fell at my feet (well, maybe not quite, but they were both quite pleased).  Here's my recipe:
1. Mix 2 cups of Bisquick in a bowl with a spoonful of minced garlic, salt, pepper, basil, oregano, and a pinch of crushed red pepper.
2. Then mix in just enough milk to make a sticky dough.  Note: They will expand/liquefy some in the oven, so go a little more to the sticky side.
3. Add in several handfuls of shredded cheese and mix well.
4. Drop onto a baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees for about 10-12 minutes.
5. If you ever put items in a storage unit, spend the extra money to get a climate controlled one.  I witnessed a friend's horror at unloading her storage unit only to discover that not only were there spiders in the boxes (obviously inevitable) but her furniture had mold on it from the humidity and several pictures were ruined.  Thank goodness, I know a guy who cleans carpets and upholstery... ;)
6. If you find a book you love, don't feel bad about reading it over and over and over again.  As long as you're still just as in love with it each time. 
7. Don't feel like a bad parent when you tell your child to put away the Kindle and pick up an actual book.  Or when you tell her that she can't play on the computers at the library because the library is for finding books.  Unexpectedly, she may find one that she loves and blow you away by how fast she reads it - especially being only in the 2nd grade.  Also, you might end up finding the entire family crashed out on the living room furniture, television off, each one totally engrossed in their own books.  My, my, my... isn't the silence divine?
8. A baby giggled/smiled/walked to me at church today.  I'm pretty sure I wanted to take him home.
9. I cannot accomplish everything at one time.  I am not superwoman.  So, pick a pile and work diligently through it until it disappears.  Don't beat yourself up or stress over the fact that there is so much to do.  Do what you can when you can.  Unless you're like a surgeon or something, then there's a little more pressure to get things done in a specified time slot and correctly.

That is about all my brain has room for at the moment since I'm relaxing and it's almost bed-time :)  Have a fabulous week and learn all sorts of new things.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Mothering Instincts Aren't Always Natural

Sometimes I see these Southern, Christian mothers out and about and it just makes me feel horrible about myself.  They're so put together, so calm, so lady-like and graceful.  They love their children more than life and dote on them openly.  Everything is baby powder and sleep schedules and flowers and perfect. 

Now, granted, I know that most of that is probably a façade put on by a woman who was never told that it was okay to be honest about motherhood.... but that's not my point, yet.

They say that your mothering instinct kicks in when you have a child.  When I got married, I just assumed that the mothering instincts would kick in because I became a stepmom. 

WHAT A CROCK! 

Let me tell you a little something about motherhood and being a parent...

Some women (myself) don't naturally have that mothering instinct.  Oh yes, we love babies - but only until they start wailing and then we want to give them back to whomever can quiet them.  Oh yes, we love children - but sometimes our first instinct when they fall down is not to rush over and gently pick them up, but to tell them to get up and shake it off.

Here are a few things no one tells you about motherhood (or at least no one told me):

1. Sometimes you will hide in the bathroom with a cupcake because you just can't handle one more question or trivia fact or mention of your name with a need attached.
2. There will be many times that you want to simply tell the child in question to shut up.
3. Sometimes you'll do what is easiest, not necessarily best (lunchables, anyone?)
4. Some days you will look at said child and think, "Who the hell is this and why are they in my house?" 

Something no one tells you is that mothering is not always instinctual, it's not always natural, it's not always rose-colored.  In the Baptist South, where ladies are sweet and their children are supposed to be angels, no one tells you that. 

It doesn't always come naturally.  Some women have to learn it, earn it and be changed by it, until one day they wake up and realize that they love this child more than they could have ever imagined possible.

During the first few years of our marriage, I beat myself up because motherhood was nothing that I imagined.  I was terrible at it.  Sure, I could take care of her physical needs and protect her easily - but letting her into my heart was a whole different story.

I fought myself every step of the way.  I cried.  A lot.  I yelled.  More than I am proud to admit.  Some days I went nose to nose with my most difficult adversary - a three year old girl.   I was supposed to be supermom, dammit.  I was supposed to know how to do this and be a natural, loving, nurturing woman. 

Let me take a moment to call bullshit.  Excuse my language, but that is just the truth.

If I feel this way, I feel certain that other mothers must feel this way too.  However, this isn't something you talk about.  (Insert sarcasm here)  If anyone asks, motherhood is wonderful and you love every moment of it.  Once again, I cry bullshit. 

Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  Let go of all the stereotypes that society pushes upon you as a mother.  Stop expecting to know exactly what you're doing.  

It has taken me almost 5 years, a lot of crying, praying and counseling to realize that motherhood is not necessarily born into a woman.  Some women have to be changed by it.  

Sure, I know what is best for my daughter at times - but that does not mean I have any clue what I'm doing.

Sure, sometimes her endless questions make me want to move to a private island - but I answer each one of them.

Sure, I'm not mommy - but I am HER Vannah.  And that is enough.

Sure, I don't always like her - but I love her more than I could have ever imagined.  I would do anything in the world for her.

Motherhood is not always pretty and don't let anyone tell you differently.  It's hard work.  It's a freaking battlefield - you against society fighting for your little one. 

But hang in there.  Keep praying.  Be honest.  And love that baby.  Just love that baby.  Because when they look back years later, they won't remember the times you cried in the hallway after disciplining them - they'll remember that you loved them. 

To all my imperfect mamas out there - I love you and you are not alone.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :) 

Perspective

A little perspective changes everything. 

22 children died from a meal that was tainted with insecticide.  22 children died from eating a hot lunch, of which was probably the only hot meal they would receive all day.  Let that sink in for a minute – whether it was accidental or, heaven help them, intentional, they died.

And I’m worried about the price of school clothes and amusement park tickets.  Ouch.

I completely understand that our lives are different and even our trivial worries in America are important to God – because they are part of our lives.  Planning a birthday trip is important because it’s part of my life, my family’s life.   I don’t believe in punishing ourselves because we live in the great Land of the Free.

But right now, my heart is hurting and burdened – because children die every day of things we would never dream of worrying about here in America.  When I send my daughter to school, I don’t worry about her getting food poisoning (let alone dying) because we have rules and regulations to protect our children.  Granted, something could still make her sick but the chances of it being anything more than a stomach ache is slim to none.

Today, things like this are just sinking in.  There’s a little girl in the Dominican Republic who stands in her polka dotted dress and pink sandals, unsmiling for a picture with Compassion International.  I have her picture hanging on our fridge, right next to a picture of Brynlea.  I look at the two girls, so close in age and ponder the differences.  Brynlea smiles wide, never having known hunger or need – all because of where she was born.  Viarys doesn’t smile and I wonder why.  Is it because she is afraid that she won’t be chosen, because she is still feeling the hunger pains from not having enough to eat?  Oh, how I would love to see a picture of her smiling.

I don’t have any great, profound meaning to this post.  Just the fact that my heart is burdened right now.  We are so incredibly blessed.  Change begins with one person, making one decision to do something different. 

www.compassion.org

www.bloodwatermission.com

 

Until next time,

Keep Reflecting J       

Just love me

People change.  And that’s okay.  People grow up, they change their thoughts, beliefs, the way they see the world.  But that’s okay, too. 

 Don’t judge me for change.  Don’t judge me for being different from you.  Don’t condemn me because my life is not perfect, I am not perfect.  Just love me. 

Love me when I’m pissed at the world.  Love me when I’m sitting on top of it.  Love me when I’m speaking the Gospel, telling my story, sharing my Jesus.  Love me when my human side gets the best of me and I’m cussing like a sailor.  Love me when I cry and laugh and say inappropriate things and talk about my dreams. 

Don’t judge me because we are not the same.  Don’t brush off my dreams because they are not like yours.

 Just love me.  Love me when I change my mind six times in twenty minutes.  Love me when I stand so firm on a subject that I will argue for hours.  Love me when I long for something deeper.  Love me when I’m content with the small things.

If I feel this way, so must other people.  I don’t always do this.  I want this but sometimes I can’t give this to other people.  Lord, help me to be this to other people.  Help me to love them when I disagree, help me to love them when they act in a way that I don’t agree with.  Help me to love them this way. Because ONLY through this kind of love can we truly show Jesus to the broken, the wounded, the sinner in all of us.

Until next time,
Keep Reflecting :)

Because people hurt. And we go on.

You open your heart and life to a group of people.  You fall in love with their families, with their ministry, with the way they intertwine in your life.  You serve alongside these people until they become an extension of yourself and your family. 

Then, something happens.  Something you couldn’t have foreseen. 

That heart that you laid wide open for them… they crush it.  They tear it apart with their assumptions, their hypocrisy, their judgmental decision-making.  They hurt your family.  They leave you wondering how you’re going to explain the situation to your child.  They leave you and your husband confused and angry.  Not all of the people, though.  Most of them are only players in a game that they don’t control. 

But what’s worse is when the instigator(s) are people you loved, served alongside, backed up, and believed in. 

They trick you with their lying tongues and deceitful lips.  And once that connection is broken and the truth exposed, you have no choice but to walk away, to distance yourself from something you cannot support. 

You move on.  You pray for forgiveness – that you would learn how to give it to them, for any part that you may have played. 

You continue.  You keeping looking for the sense of community that you lost.  You tell everyone you’re over it.

But you’re not.  I’m not.  Over a year later and I’m not. 

How do you?  How do you learn to forgive them?  How do you spread grace to them?  How do you stop yourself from bubbling up with hatred and anger when they are mentioned?  Most of all, how do you heal?  When you look past the anger and sarcasm and see the gaping wound they left… how do you mend something like that? 

I can’t.  I know I can’t.  Not on my own.  Not without the healing hand of a God who sees my pain and catches my tears in the palm of His hand. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting there.  Usually.  I feel His healing power.  Then sometimes, the hole gapes open again – creating a vortex of emotions – normally when I’m standing in the pew of a church with goodhearted people that I barely know, but want to.  Or on a Sunday morning when I am arguing with myself about going to church – feeling the pull to go, but feeling an equal pull to just throw the towel in.  If that’s how it’s going to end, why try?   

How do you teach yourself to open up to people again? 

I know His plan is better than I could have ever imagined.  I know this deep in my heart.  I praise Him that He saw fit to remove us from the situation before more damage could be done, or before we fell victim to the lies.  I thank Him for where He has brought us to and the healing He has begun. 

How do you move on?  Get over it?  Learn to open up again?

I don’t know.  My family and I will find our place again.  I feel sure of it.  But sometimes the journey gets hard and I wonder where He’ll lead us.  But we will go on.  Take it one day, one prayer, one breath at a time.  And be thankful.  Always.  Be thankful. 

 

Until next time,

Keep Reflecting

When she's whispering in your ear...

She’s standing there, whispering in your ear, murmuring your name.

She follows you around and steals into your quiet places.

She knows you better than you know yourself, knows your deep dark secrets, your intimate desires. 

She’s that girl in your mind, whispering negativity and doubt and fear and doom. 

She is the glass half-empty. 

She is a the devil’s advocate – quite literally. 

And even if you ignore her, even if you think she isn’t, she is there.

I feel her today.  She’s getting antsy that I’ve been able to push her into the corner for some time now.  She thrives on attention and the more you give her, the more prominent she becomes, the more power she gains. 

A little part of me hates her – because I don’t know how to fight her on my own, to banish her for good.

Another part of me feels sorry for her – because in her mind, everything is doom and gloom and death and hatred.  That’s no way to live. 

Another part of me is unsure of her – because she is part of me.  She is my own mind used against me, turned against the glory of God.

And when I feel her, whispering, murmuring, it scares the hell out of me.  She has this deep, morbid imagination that sneaks in and rips the knowledge of my blessings out of my mind.  She fosters worry and condemnation and anger.  She fans my flickers until they turn in to full-blown flames.  But she is part of me.

But she is not truly me.  She is a distorted version of me.  And if I turn around and face her, instead of listening to her whispers, I will see the depths of what she is and realize that this version is NOT who God designed me to be. 

He created me to love light and beauty and to find each in every day.

To bask in the people around me.  To simply live.

I read somewhere “Worry won’t stop bad things from happening, it will just stop you from enjoying the good things.”

I cannot control anything.  That girl in my head zeroes in on that fact, repeating it over and over and over again.  I know I am not in control, but I have a God that is.  I can rest in the comfort that God is in control and He is SO much better at it than I am.  I was not created to control this life – but to live it, to love it. 

So, today, I will focus on my blessings.  I will be thankful and live.  I will turn to that girl, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that she is wrong, that she will always be wrong.  And I will show her the light because in the light, darkness cannot dwell.    

 

Until next time, 

Keep Reflecting :)